The second best thing I ever did for my relationship
2 weeks into falling in love with Bloody Good Bloke, I woke up one day and felt NOTHING.
Numbingly numb nothing. Like, who is this man and why is he here?
As the story goes, I first saw Bloody Good Bloke’s handsome mug across a crowded Zoom screen, and it was racing-heart at first sight.
With that face, I thought he’d be an asshole.
I’d never normally go for someone so clearly out of my league — according to Neville. But a few days later he and I were tagged on a post on LinkedIn and I discovered he was a neuroscience researcher.
I’d pressed send on a message to him before I’d even realised what was happening.
Neither of us were looking for anything serious, him having just moved to Melbourne to focus on a major career transition, and me only 8 months single and still mid wailing-on-the-floor phase of grieving the end of my beautiful 5 year relationship with my ex, Bloody Good Chap.
But despite our best efforts not to make things serious, things became serious.
Being cooped up in lockdown, only able to hang out with his exceptionally long eyelashes and no other eye lashes…
well that added a bit of turps to the fire.
Within a few weeks we couldn’t deny that there was a seriously beautiful connection growing between us.
After the first Melbourne lockdown, we decided to celebrate by booking a week away together in the Macedon Ranges, our first ever holiday.
The day before our holiday, all was cancelled due to a second lockdown.
Not to be deterred by a little governmental buzz kill, we set up a tent on my balcony and spent the week camping, wandering the botanical gardens, and enjoying a week of locked-down holiday instead.
The first 5 days were magical. I had the constant sensation of wanting to learn everything about him. We were falling in love, fast. Every night we’d stay up til ridiculous o’clock talking.
But then, on the 6th day, I woke up, looked at him, and felt nothing.
It was like my heart had shut up shop.
I looked over and saw this handsome man gazing at me adoringly, felt nothing, and started to panic.
Where were my feelings? Where was the mutual adoration I had been feeling only the night before?
I no longer wanted to snuggle. All I wanted was to be alone.
Disappointment washed over me.
This was not the first time I’d experienced this kind of emotional shutdown, and I knew that it sometimes led to the end.
But I’d also learnt in my previous relationship, that I really REALLY need alone time, and plenty of it.
I now know that when I go numb and distant from the people I love, it’s often my body telling me:
“FFS Andrea, HOW MANY TIMES??? You’ve gone and way exceeded your time-around-humans quota! Off you go into a log cabin in the woods.”
In the past I would have concealed my numbness and put on an act in an attempt to try not to hurt Bloody Good Bloke’s feelings.
But I knew I wanted to be in a relationship where radical honesty and “keeping the glass clear” was the foundation.
So I told him what was happening for me, and I explained that I think I needed some time alone.
At first the conversations were challenging, as you might imagine. It’s not every day that someone who you’re falling in love with suddenly wakes up and tells you they’re feeling numb and need some space.
If he’d done that to me I’d likely have panicked.
BG Bloke handled it admirably, like the well-adjusted, secure man he is, and we agreed to spend the next couple of days doing our own thing.
As soon as he went home, I felt relief. Finally, some alone time.
Overdoing human time leads me to feeling like my head has been stuffed with cotton wool.
I don’t notice the cotton wool feeling until I’m alone again, and the cotton wool starts to unravel itself into something smoother and less fuzzy (a silk sheet?!)
The first psychologist I ever saw told me that because I spent my youngest years growing up in an emotionally-charged environment with a sometimes-volatile alcoholic parent, my nervous system adapted to become acutely attuned to the moods and needs of others. Otherwise known as hypervigilance.
In some ways, this is a superpower.
I’m able to tune into subtle shifts in people’s moods and perceive things that others don’t. It’s great for coaching, for facilitating, and for perceiving the needs of the people I love.
When something is bothering BGB, I can often feel it a day or more before he realises something is bothering him.
In other ways, this hypervigilence is the opposite of a superpower. (Kryptonite?) It means that I tune into minor things that don’t need to be addressed, it means that I sometimes read into subtle mood shifts and misinterpret them or take them personally when they’re not, and it means that being around other people for too long can be exhausting.
After BGB went home, my time alone felt a bit empty and bland, but also like something I really needed.
I did a lot of lying in the botanical gardens staring up at a tree.
After two days to myself, I felt clearer, lighter, and energised.
I couldn’t wait to see BGB again.
When we met up again, it was like our polarity had been recharged. I was magnetised to him once again.
He could feel it too, it was like the time apart had added oxygen to the flames.
I loveee space. Yet I also have a tendency to become codependent with my partners. When I’m with them, I want to be with them all the time. Until I don’t.
Sometimes I have to force myself to take space, even when I don’t really want to.
Bloody Good Bloke and I sometimes joke that “space” for me is like broccoli.
I know it’s good for me, but I don’t really want to eat it.
But when I take space, I feel a million times better and it flows into all areas of my life.
Having grown up with 6 siblings, BGB needs a lot less alone time than I do.
Over the next year as our relationship unfolded, we experimented with the optimal amount of time together vs time apart.
BGB started to trust that my need for space has nothing to do with him or our relationship.
We both learnt that proactively making sure I get enough alone time produces wonderful benefits for both of us.
So, a year or so later when our living situations changed and it made financial sense for me and Bloody Good Bloke to move in together, I realllllly didn’t want to.
Instead, I came up with a rather unconventional solution.
But this blog post is already plenty long enough, so I’ll tell you about it next week!
✌️
Andrea
Psst - If you’ve been thinking of doing the much loved Bloody Good Life program, this is your last chance. BGL will be closing its doors from July this year.
Learn to tame your overthinking mind and get clear on your direction (plus a handful of other benefits you won't expect).
→ Put your name on the Bloody Good Life waitlist here.
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